i get a twinge of fear whenever i eat a creme saver

when i was a small child, i choked on a hard candy in the middle of a restaurant and my great aunt had to do the heimlich on me. my grandma absolutely lost her shit, acted like i was dying. i think that's probably why i thought i was. i remember having a very calm yet terrifying thought that i was gonna die if somebody didn't do something. the more i think about it, it's probably the closest to a near death experience i've ever had. what makes it more surreal is that i remember it so vaguely (probably because i was so young) that for a long time i figured i just made it up or dreamt it one night. no, it just faded, like all memories do.

i sometimes think of my life as beginning differently after that incident. everything proceeding is A.N.D. (after nearly dying). since i started this era, i've had a complicated relationship with wanting to stay in it. but i actually quit cigarettes cold turkey about a month ago (i don't remember the exact date - just remember that day i threw my pack that still had 4 precious cigs in it right into the garbage). i would say i'm doing this for my health, which i mostly am, but i'm also doing it because i know that everyone around me is annoyed by the habit. luke's relief when i quit was enough for me to not touch them again. 

spring is here. sort of. been listening to a lot of tori amos. trying to stay out of trouble. my mom's 10 year old dog (and one of my few loves in this world) might have 3 months or 3 years to live, and we won't know in about a month or so. i'm not sure what i'll do when it's his time. probably lose it. probably smoke a cigarette. i don't know. he tore his acl and needs to be carried up and down the stairs by two people (one if that person is particularly strong). he doesn't flail or seem too distressed when we carry him - he just goes catatonic, as if he knows we're just helping him. sometimes it makes me laugh, sometimes it makes me cry. 

been thinking about those tori amos lyrics - "this isn't really happening - you bet your life it is..."

similar feeling as to when my grandma died, just being pulled along the course of life whether i like it or not. i truly have no say in this ride, and you bet your life it'll just keep dragging me behind it. and i'll never get out the grass stains.