mckenzington

it was at some point on this terribly rainy day that i realized that fall weather makes me feel alone. in a good way, though. a sense of solitary and defiance, to know that i know what i know. though there is always my sub-conscience lurking somewhere, grabbing me by the shoulders at times and shaking me and saying, "don't get tangled in sweet nothings and don't ignore the world around you." and so i move on. no longer wondering but wandering. and your forgotten or otherwise stored away words collect on the page and they are written by you, only you. but just remember that nothing is permanent. and i admit that i'm needy and sometimes i cling to people but i'm getting through it. or maybe it's getting through me. god, i don't know. so i tie a knot to separate myself from everything but i notice that it can easily be untied. and that we can't live with separation. yet ironically, we can. and we do. i'm caught in the middle of wanting to

Sometimes when I'm standing on a bridge or a cliff I feel a terrifying and overwhelming urge to jump off. It's the anxiety knowing you could. It's existentialist terror, knowing you could easily end it all with no impediment. The French call it l'appel du vide - the call of the void. Anxiety. I don't usually get it. I've had mild versions of anxiety attacks, once in a blue moon. It's terrifying. There's also some irony associated with it. You know what you're thinking is irrational. You know that you're blowing things out of proportion. But your brain is doing it anyway. You're screaming for it to stop, yet you're doing it to yourself. It's like holding your breath. But people say you can't die from holding your breath for too long. That eventually your lungs will give in and force you to breathe. The other day, I watched a tiny beetle-type insect persistently trying to climb up my windowsill. I hovered my finger over it, not

I had never had such a desire to let other people puppeteer my life. And never had I been so keen at realizing when people were using me, just to fulfill their own needs. You could say that sometimes friends will take advantage of you, and that is true. It has happened to me many times. Sometimes the media will bait us. Telling us white lies about miracle products or how other people think you're fat and ugly because you don't look like an anorexic model. And of course we'll believe them. The biggest weapon used to pull us in is lies. People are greedy and selfish. You could say it's our nature, but some are more narcissistic than others. The worst thing of all is that people hide behind their lies and use them as armour. We mustn't let other people tell us what to do with our lives or lie to us and control us. You choose what you do with your life and what direction you wish to head in. People will lie to you or manipulate you in order to benefit themselves, but

today i watched the hobbit (for the first time, read the book haven't seen the movie) and harry potter and the deathly hallows (for the millionth time, literally). after i watched them, i was feeling sad and a bit angry for various unrelated, possibly idiotic reasons, which led to solemnity and deep thoughts (i also have a lot of feelings towards harry potter and lord of the rings) and that's when i thought to myself, is this it? existence, that is. you're born, you do some stuff, and then you die. where's the extraordinary aspect? the unexplainable, wonderful, and magical ? where's MY unexpected journey? but that's when my subconscience slapped me in the face and cleared my blurred vision of sadness and irrationality. maybe, just maybe, we don't need witchcraft and wizardry or extraordinary things in our world, because we already have them. things like love, passion, and creative minds are the true magic in our world. and maybe, just maybe, that's enoug