We know why we sleep but we don't know why we dream. Some things might forever be mysteries. I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll probably never be suicidal, because my anxiety is so intense that I have found countless ways to worry about death itself. I think this is what they call Stockholm syndrome.
It's like how my friend, in fourth grade, once got cast in an opera solely based on him fitting into a sailor suit. He had two minutes on stage and his grandmother sat through this whole three-hour German opera to see him. A journalist brought him Lord of the Rings figures to play with and he spent an entire rehearsal painting tiny Legolas and Smeagol. We are meaning-making creatures, but life is constantly running away from meaning. We stay because leaving is an unsatisfying option. Even if it's three hours long. Even if it's in German.
It's like how I didn't realize how much I smile and laugh until a wisdom tooth extraction made it painful. It's like how I didn't realize what my heart deserved until it was ripped out. How I would have sex with guys and not want to be touched after. I never thought I would be able to pick my heart back up, but you did. It's still broken in places - but it's there. We stay because we're already here. We stay because we may not be able to find our way back.
I started antidepressants recently. Honestly, I'm ashamed. I'm three months away from having a degree in psychology and I still feel ashamed. I feel out of control. I've been thinking a lot about how life will never be the ideal technicolour dream I want it to be. I either suffer yet feel more "authentic", or I try to alleviate my suffering and feel more "artificial". The truth is, being tortured feels like low rise skinny jeans. Out of fashion, uncomfortable, and, most importantly, unnecessary. It is not necessary for me to suffer. That sounds backwards but if you've ever suffered for your entire life, you'll understand what I mean. It's a part of me, and I'm scared to let it go. I'm scared to feel like I'm losing control. I've heard that people with anorexia report having better self control than the average person. In reality, their self control capacities aren't any better than anyone else. What anorexics claim as control is actually a lack of control. They become so obsessed with controlling their eating and weight that they can't stop - they're addicted. And there's no control in addiction. I've already lost control, and this medication is only trying to help me gain it back.
It's the anxiety that's scared of losing control of me.
And it should be.
under the influence
...and there ain't nothing like exploding
if you've got something to explode
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