tying an untieable knot

it was at some point on this terribly rainy day that i realized that fall weather makes me feel alone. in a good way, though. a sense of solitary and defiance, to know that i know what i know. though there is always my sub-conscience lurking somewhere, grabbing me by the shoulders at times and shaking me and saying, "don't get tangled in sweet nothings and don't ignore the world around you."

and so i move on. no longer wondering but wandering.

and your forgotten or otherwise stored away words collect on the page and they are written by you, only you. but just remember that nothing is permanent.

and i admit that i'm needy and sometimes i cling to people but i'm getting through it. or maybe it's getting through me. god, i don't know.

so i tie a knot to separate myself from everything but i notice that it can easily be untied. and that we can't live with separation. yet ironically, we can. and we do. i'm caught in the middle of wanting to ignore but not wanting to be ignored. an accusatory finger, always pointed. it's all in the dialogue. i'll continue to pretend that your jokes are funny and make sure that your insight provided is requited and i'll pretend that it's not my friends, it's me. and i'll brush off the fact that i can't explain myself properly to people sometimes. and the little things irritate me, but i'll tell myself to be rational and go with the flow. and i'll babble on about people being "mentally stimulating" and how i hate insipid personalities. so that's why i love autumn, that brings the bittersweet desolation of everything. and why instead of burying my head in the sand, i turn my back and tie that knot.

just so that it can be untied later.