it was at some point on this terribly rainy day that i realized that fall weather makes me feel alone. in a good way, though. a sense of solitary and defiance, to know that i know what i know. though there is always my sub-conscience lurking somewhere, grabbing me by the shoulders at times and shaking me and saying, "don't get tangled in sweet nothings and don't ignore the world around you."
and so i move on. no longer wondering but wandering.
and your forgotten or otherwise stored away words collect on the page and they are written by you, only you. but just remember that nothing is permanent.
and i admit that i'm needy and sometimes i cling to people but i'm getting through it. or maybe it's getting through me. god, i don't know.
so i tie a knot to separate myself from everything but i notice that it can easily be untied. and that we can't live with separation. yet ironically, we can. and we do. i'm caught in the middle of wanting to ignore but not wanting to be ignored. an accusatory finger, always pointed. it's all in the dialogue. i'll continue to pretend that your jokes are funny and make sure that your insight provided is requited and i'll pretend that it's not my friends, it's me. and i'll brush off the fact that i can't explain myself properly to people sometimes. and the little things irritate me, but i'll tell myself to be rational and go with the flow. and i'll babble on about people being "mentally stimulating" and how i hate insipid personalities. so that's why i love autumn, that brings the bittersweet desolation of everything. and why instead of burying my head in the sand, i turn my back and tie that knot.
just so that it can be untied later.
Sunday, 13 October 2013
Saturday, 31 August 2013
The Rorschach Test
Sometimes when I'm standing on a bridge or a cliff I feel a terrifying and overwhelming urge to jump off. It's the anxiety knowing you could. It's existentialist terror, knowing you could easily end it all with no impediment. The French call it l'appel du vide - the call of the void.
Anxiety. I don't usually get it. I've had mild versions of anxiety attacks, once in a blue moon. It's terrifying. There's also some irony associated with it. You know what you're thinking is irrational. You know that you're blowing things out of proportion. But your brain is doing it anyway. You're screaming for it to stop, yet you're doing it to yourself. It's like holding your breath. But people say you can't die from holding your breath for too long. That eventually your lungs will give in and force you to breathe.
The other day, I watched a tiny beetle-type insect persistently trying to climb up my windowsill. I hovered my finger over it, not with a murderous intent but with an analytical eye. That insect was so small, compared to me. That insect is my worries. That insect is the rapid climate change and the shrinking artic. It is my fear of never being good enough, it is the upcoming school year, it is every unsufficent blog post I've ever written.
Stress and worry is ubiquitous. We can choose to ignore it or deal with it. To be honest with you, I don't recommend either. But it cannot take over our lives. Are we really going to give something so virtually miniscule the power to overtake us?
You'd do yourself a favour if you gave yourself a rest
But just for now you know what's best
Anxiety. I don't usually get it. I've had mild versions of anxiety attacks, once in a blue moon. It's terrifying. There's also some irony associated with it. You know what you're thinking is irrational. You know that you're blowing things out of proportion. But your brain is doing it anyway. You're screaming for it to stop, yet you're doing it to yourself. It's like holding your breath. But people say you can't die from holding your breath for too long. That eventually your lungs will give in and force you to breathe.
The other day, I watched a tiny beetle-type insect persistently trying to climb up my windowsill. I hovered my finger over it, not with a murderous intent but with an analytical eye. That insect was so small, compared to me. That insect is my worries. That insect is the rapid climate change and the shrinking artic. It is my fear of never being good enough, it is the upcoming school year, it is every unsufficent blog post I've ever written.
Stress and worry is ubiquitous. We can choose to ignore it or deal with it. To be honest with you, I don't recommend either. But it cannot take over our lives. Are we really going to give something so virtually miniscule the power to overtake us?
You'd do yourself a favour if you gave yourself a rest
But just for now you know what's best
Monday, 22 April 2013
Like a fish on a hook
I had never had such a desire to let other people puppeteer my life.
And never had I been so keen at realizing when people were using me, just to fulfill their own needs. You could say that sometimes friends will take advantage of you, and that is true. It has happened to me many times. Sometimes the media will bait us. Telling us white lies about miracle products or how other people think you're fat and ugly because you don't look like an anorexic model. And of course we'll believe them. The biggest weapon used to pull us in is lies. People are greedy and selfish. You could say it's our nature, but some are more narcissistic than others. The worst thing of all is that people hide behind their lies and use them as armour. We mustn't let other people tell us what to do with our lives or lie to us and control us. You choose what you do with your life and what direction you wish to head in. People will lie to you or manipulate you in order to benefit themselves, but you can't let that happen. Stand for yourself. And more importantly, stand for those who are unable to stand for themselves. Don't let someone tell you that you're not good enough or lie to you in order to bring you down. Not your friends, not even your family have the obligation to control what you do in your life. There is a difference between controlling and giving advice. Your family and friends are there solely for support and love and advice, not to tell you what you can or cannot do for yourself or to try to put your life in a direction that is unappealing to you. The only reason why people are able to do these things to us is because we let them- we're scared of the consequences of going against the waves of a common tide. It is a habit of mind to constantly seek the approval of others, but only if something you are doing is hurting another person should you change for them. Go where your heart tells you to, and accept only the advice from other people, not the demand of improvement or change.
And never had I been so keen at realizing when people were using me, just to fulfill their own needs. You could say that sometimes friends will take advantage of you, and that is true. It has happened to me many times. Sometimes the media will bait us. Telling us white lies about miracle products or how other people think you're fat and ugly because you don't look like an anorexic model. And of course we'll believe them. The biggest weapon used to pull us in is lies. People are greedy and selfish. You could say it's our nature, but some are more narcissistic than others. The worst thing of all is that people hide behind their lies and use them as armour. We mustn't let other people tell us what to do with our lives or lie to us and control us. You choose what you do with your life and what direction you wish to head in. People will lie to you or manipulate you in order to benefit themselves, but you can't let that happen. Stand for yourself. And more importantly, stand for those who are unable to stand for themselves. Don't let someone tell you that you're not good enough or lie to you in order to bring you down. Not your friends, not even your family have the obligation to control what you do in your life. There is a difference between controlling and giving advice. Your family and friends are there solely for support and love and advice, not to tell you what you can or cannot do for yourself or to try to put your life in a direction that is unappealing to you. The only reason why people are able to do these things to us is because we let them- we're scared of the consequences of going against the waves of a common tide. It is a habit of mind to constantly seek the approval of others, but only if something you are doing is hurting another person should you change for them. Go where your heart tells you to, and accept only the advice from other people, not the demand of improvement or change.
Saturday, 19 January 2013
inexplicable yet magical
today i watched the hobbit (for the first time, read the book haven't seen the movie) and harry potter and the deathly hallows (for the millionth time, literally). after i watched them, i was feeling sad and a bit angry for various unrelated, possibly idiotic reasons, which led to solemnity and deep thoughts (i also have a lot of feelings towards harry potter and lord of the rings) and that's when i thought to myself, is this it? existence, that is. you're born, you do some stuff, and then you die. where's the extraordinary aspect? the unexplainable, wonderful, and magical? where's MY unexpected journey? but that's when my subconscience slapped me in the face and cleared my blurred vision of sadness and irrationality. maybe, just maybe, we don't need witchcraft and wizardry or extraordinary things in our world, because we already have them. things like love, passion, and creative minds are the true magic in our world. and maybe, just maybe, that's enough for our own adventures and we're living them right now. when we were small we read books that told of magic and magnificent adventures and thought that our world consisted of a dreamy and wonderful reality, but why on earth should that mean none of that is true? why should we stop believing? of course this world is full of dark and cruel things, as are fantasy lands, but why must we always seek the bad things but not wish to destroy them when there is so much goodness and inconceivable things happening right in front of us? why must we ignore the journey that's been waiting for us this whole time?
"Tell me one last thing,' said Harry. 'Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?' 'Of course it is happening inside of your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"
"Tell me one last thing,' said Harry. 'Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?' 'Of course it is happening inside of your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"
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